Just one more word to add to my last post; you need to listen actively in order to find the pteferred representational system of your conversation partner. A word of advice: do not overdo it and do not focus entirely on their eye movements and on their verbal patterns, or you might miss completely what they are saying. I know that this sound ridiculous, but I also know that it happens.
The point of knowing your conversation partner's preferred representational system is that you now can copy them. Adjust your verbal patterns to theirs and, most importantly, copy their body language. This leads to them seeing you as a like-minded person, someone they can trust, someone with whom they can "do business."
Do not be confrontational, but seek consensus. This can be quite difficult, in particular when you feel that you are "right", and the other one is "wrong." It makes it easier when you first agree and then follow up with words such as "but if you look at it from this angle" or "I am sure that you feel ..." or "listen to the other argument .." or words to this effect, always in the style of your partner's representational system and verbal pattern.
Once you have put your partner at ease, you can gradually take control of the conversation. In fact, you established control just by matching their verbal patterns and addressing their representational system, as well as finding consensus. From now on you take the lead in the conversation and direct the flow of it. You bring your conversation partner to see your point of view, to hear what you are saying, and to feel the way you do. Be very subtle with it and do not overpower them; stay observant, because you might have to backtrack and then start anew with taking the lead. It does not matter, it may even be positive because they would still feel to be in control, whereas they have not been in control for quite a while.
Some may say that this is not right, because it is manipulative. Of course it is manipulative, but it is not wrong to manipulate people for the right reason. For example, when I still worked in psychotherapy I more often than not manipulated people, but for their own good. You can manipulate people away from confrontation. You can manipulate them to choose a course of action that appears to be better for them. Then, of course, you can also manipulate people to do what you want them to do. As long as it is not to their disadvantage, I see nothing wrong in it.
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Powerful External Communication 2
My previous post was all about talking, but something else belongs to powerful communication: responding and active listening.
People have their own preferred representational systems, which we classify as auditory, visual or kinesthetic. It means that they listen and create auditory thoughts, or they listen and create visual thoughts (images), or they use their kinesthetic sense for their mental processing. By listening to your conversation partner and watch out for expressions such as "I hear what you say ..." or "I can see what you mean ..." or "I feel that ..." you can with some practice easily find out what their preferred representational systems are. In addition to it we also have eye access queues that correspond with the representational systems. If your conversation partner's eyes look upwards left or right it implies visual representational system; level (right ot left) means auditory; down right means kinesthetic; down left means auditory internal dialogue. There is much more to these queues than I am going to mention here; I might as well write a book on them. Indeed books had been written on the subject matter. One more thing before I move on: very few people have 100% auditory or visual or kinesthetic systems; most have a mixture of two or even three systems. However, even when they mix their systems, most people prefer one over the other/s. That's where your listening skill comes to the fore.
How does this knowledge help you? Obviously you can match your language to the preferred system of your conversation partners. This creates a kind of bond between you and them, they easily understand what you are saying, they may even perceive that you are "singing from their hymn sheet." Does it help? You bet it does!
The most important tool to tune into your conversation partner's is your skill to listen actively. This means to really listen what they have to say and to wait until they have said it before you think of a reply. Sounds easy but it isn't. Most people listen superficially and halfway through their partner's talk they begin thinking of a reply. Needless to say that this can and probably will lead to confusion, misunderstanding and conflict. Listening actively means also to keep eye contact and don't let your eyes wander. It also means to make the appropriate noises when they are talking to show that you are "with them." It also means to ask questions to clarify potential misunderstandings.
Once you master the art of listening you can determine what kind of preferred representational system your conversation partners have. Then you can adjust your language to their representational system, and you are more than halfway where you want to be; for example to persuade them to do something what you want them to do.
About this I write in my next post.
Happiness Discovered by Udo StadtsbuchlerDownload PDF at U.S.$ 19.95 go to: http://happinessdiscovered.110mb.com
Buy the book at U.S.$ 24.95 (read excerpt) http://www.amazon.com/dp/1451578784
Buy the book at U.S.$ 24.95: https://www.createspace.com/3443453”>
For e-readers at U.S.$ 19.95 (read excerpt): https://www.smashwords.com/books/view/20529>
Now also available from www.amazon.co.uk and www.amazon.de as well as from selected book stores and by mail order in Australia and India
Powerful External Communication
First of all welcome Leilani as a follower of my blog; I hope that you enjoy being here and perhaps even get some benefits from it.
What I wrote about communication so far was more or less geared towards internal communication; the way we use words to influence our feelings and make changes possible. Our external communication - the way we speak with other people - affects our thought processes very much the same as as it does with internal communication. But most importantly the way we choose our words and word assemblages does affect how other people react to what we say. But it's not just the words that have effect, but also whether or not our words and our body language are in harmony. If we use positive words, but our body language expresses negativity, we create ambiguity and we may confuse our conversation partners. We may also come across as being not trustworthy or insecure. The same applies to our tone of voice. If these three elements - words, tonality and body language - fit nicely together then we have a great chance of being successful in our negotiations and in our private interpersonal relations; our sales presentations are convincing, we can make other people do what we want them to do, and we come across as being confident, competent and a person one can do business with. If the three elements do not fit, the opposite happens.
Next time more on this theme.
Happiness Discovered by Udo Stadtsbuchler
Download PDF at U.S.$ 19.95 go to: http://happinessdiscovered.110mb.com
Buy the book at U.S.$ 24.95 (read excerpt) http://www.amazon.com/dp/1451578784
Buy the book at U.S.$ 24.95: https://www.createspace.com/3443453”>
For e-readers at U.S.$ 19.95 (read excerpt): https://www.smashwords.com/books/view/20529>
Now also available from www.amazon.co.uk and www.amazon.de as well as from selected book stores and by mail order in Australia and India
Powerful Communication / Personal Matters 3
Regarding my previous post some may say that my health condition is the reality, no matter how I talk or write about it; that in all likelihood the neoplasm is malignant and that it is pointless to belittle it. On the face of it this sounds even correct; but it is not.
The difference is in what we make of the reality, and what we make of it becomes our reality and we emotionally react to it accordingly. Imagine an Atlantic crossing in a sail boat with a small crew; there are heavy storms and 30 feet waves that come from all directions. At one time it seems that the boat almost vertically reaches to the sky, and the next moment it races into the abyss. Imagine also that some of the crew are new to sailing and never had experienced something like this before. You could be right in assuming that some of those are scared to death and say to themselves that the end is near; and that's their reality. But there could be also others who say that this is now the real adventure, who feel alive fighting the elements and who are determined to win the fight; and that's their reality. Which one is the "right" reality? There could be a third reality which is the one the "old salts" experience, who could say ah, it's one of those again; we had it at our last crossing too; only a bit worse. I am sure you could dream up a few more scenarios, every single one as real and as right as the others.
But, left to their own devices which one of these different groups of sailors has the least chance to get out of this situation sane and sound? Most certainly those who are scared and already feel that the end is near.
This is exactly why I emphasize the good news in my own story; it creates the feeling that I can and will win. It gives me confidence in my abilities and I don't need to worry. This is important, because worries are stressful and stress affects our immune system negatively. We all, however, want to have a healthy and well balanced immune system.
First of all welcome Leilani as a follower of my blog; I hope that you enjoy being here and perhaps even get some benefits from it.
What I wrote about communication so far was more or less geared towards internal communication; the way we use words to influence our feelings and make changes possible. Our external communication - the way we speak with other people - affects our thought processes very much the same as as it does with internal communication. But most importantly the way we choose our words and word assemblages does affect how other people react to what we say. But it's not just the words that have effect, but also whether or not our words and our body language are in harmony. If we use positive words, but our body language expresses negativity, we create ambiguity and we may confuse our conversation partners. We may also come across as being not trustworthy or insecure. The same applies to our tone of voice. If these three elements - words, tonality and body language - fit nicely together then we have a great chance of being successful in our negotiations and in our private interpersonal relations; our sales presentations are convincing, we can make other people do what we want them to do, and we come across as being confident, competent and a person one can do business with. If the three elements do not fit, the opposite happens.
Next time more on this theme.
Download PDF at U.S.$ 19.95 go to: http://happinessdiscovered.110mb.com
Buy the book at U.S.$ 24.95 (read excerpt) http://www.amazon.com/dp/1451578784
Buy the book at U.S.$ 24.95: https://www.createspace.com/3443453”>
For e-readers at U.S.$ 19.95 (read excerpt): https://www.smashwords.com/books/view/20529>
Now also available from www.amazon.co.uk and www.amazon.de as well as from selected book stores and by mail order in Australia and India
Powerful Communication / Personal Matters 3
Regarding my previous post some may say that my health condition is the reality, no matter how I talk or write about it; that in all likelihood the neoplasm is malignant and that it is pointless to belittle it. On the face of it this sounds even correct; but it is not.
The difference is in what we make of the reality, and what we make of it becomes our reality and we emotionally react to it accordingly. Imagine an Atlantic crossing in a sail boat with a small crew; there are heavy storms and 30 feet waves that come from all directions. At one time it seems that the boat almost vertically reaches to the sky, and the next moment it races into the abyss. Imagine also that some of the crew are new to sailing and never had experienced something like this before. You could be right in assuming that some of those are scared to death and say to themselves that the end is near; and that's their reality. But there could be also others who say that this is now the real adventure, who feel alive fighting the elements and who are determined to win the fight; and that's their reality. Which one is the "right" reality? There could be a third reality which is the one the "old salts" experience, who could say ah, it's one of those again; we had it at our last crossing too; only a bit worse. I am sure you could dream up a few more scenarios, every single one as real and as right as the others.
But, left to their own devices which one of these different groups of sailors has the least chance to get out of this situation sane and sound? Most certainly those who are scared and already feel that the end is near.
This is exactly why I emphasize the good news in my own story; it creates the feeling that I can and will win. It gives me confidence in my abilities and I don't need to worry. This is important, because worries are stressful and stress affects our immune system negatively. We all, however, want to have a healthy and well balanced immune system.
Happiness Discovered by Udo StadtsbuchlerDownload PDF at U.S.$ 19.95 go to: http://happinessdiscovered.110mb.com/
Buy the book at U.S.$ 24.95 (read excerpt) http://www.amazon.com/dp/1451578784
Buy the book at U.S.$ 24.95: https://www.createspace.com/3443453
For e-readers at U.S.$ 19.95 (read excerpt): https://www.smashwords.com/books/view/20529
Now also available from www.amazon.co.uk and www.amazon.de as well as from selected book stores and by mail order in Australia and India
